Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize