just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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