I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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