Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
