I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
