Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Send help, water and tortillas.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
