I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
