i think my mom watched the whole time
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
