just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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