omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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