xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
