My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
