I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
