Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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