Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
