Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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