dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
