Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Panties = found
Randomize
