My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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