More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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