So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
