i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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