i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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