Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
