were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
