I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
