Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
