I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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