whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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