I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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