saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
