it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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