I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
