A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
