did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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