dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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