Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Everything about him screamed your future.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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