I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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