hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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