I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize