I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
