If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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