She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
