i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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