Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Randomize
