I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The air was thick with penises
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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