also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
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