I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
please come you make the beer taste better
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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