i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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