is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
