He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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