I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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