I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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