sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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