I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
