We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
