So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
operation harelip BJ is a go
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
