if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
