whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
