If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
