before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
