I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
